The sound of the lawnmower startled me back to reality. My head felt heavy and my heart full as I looked around the dining room of our brick home. Stacks of books and newspapers lay unopened in the middle of the table. I have such high hopes of reading these books one day, but it seems like when I'm all gung-ho starting a book and then put it down never to finish it. I keep longing for the day when we can take an extended vacation and I can finally read all the books I've been adding to my list for quite sometime. I glance at the floor and catch my eye on scattered cheerios and my son's sippy cup underneath my chair. These days life is filled with "to do" lists and demands. There are nights (like last night) where I lie awake unable to drift back off to sleep and find myself just talking to God. "Fill our life with joy. Give us hope in the midst of routine. Provide for us Lord. Lift us up out of financial debt and into a place of abundance. Pour Your peace over my heart now Lord. I need You." I wonder if the struggles come because God wants me to be more dependent. If I didn't struggle and things were more "easy" I would not come to Him as much or even just talk with Him. I was about to say "I wouldn't start the conversation..." and yet He is always speaking to me.
This past weekend my husband, son and I ventured off to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina to join my parents and long-time friends for a couple of days. It is such a peaceful place on the island. Expensive too--which in a way removes some of the beauty for me. I love the simplicity of watching bike riders adventuring on the paths under trees and the sand as if they don't have a care in the world. We made it to the beach twice and I tried to spend as much time as possible in the ocean. The waves were violent tossing me here and there and it was all I can do to escape the force of each one crashing down on me. I "escaped" the roughest waves by diving head first into them and staying under until they passed me by. My favorite thing to do on the water is just to float...simply allowing the waves to hold up my body and rock me back and forth. A little more difficult to do when the waves are rough, but it is such a picture of surrender to me. Allowing myself to be lifted up and rocked...soothed...even just for a moment.
Being a new mother I am learning what it means to be a soother and to be soothed. My son is 10 months old and it is hard to believe he is nearing his first birthday. Plans are in full-swing for his dinosaur themed-pool party mid-August. I love the adventures of life as a mom where each new day he does something or discovers something new and we can be a witness to this amazing journey. I love how my husband Thom and I look at each other and say "did you see that...did you hear that?" We don't want to miss a thing. Wow, I just got Aerosmith in my head...
He'll hold up his long, "beefy" arms and just want to be shielded from the world. I wrestle with the balance of coming quickly to his aid and waiting to see if he can "self-soothe." Through this time of tension I usually find myself praying. "Lord would you soothe Him, right now to help him get back to sleep?" I peel myself out of bed in the middle of the night to see him pressed up against the crib wanting to get out and needing reassurance from me that everything is OK. I need that reminder too. I need soothing too, especially in the wee hours of the morning when all is quiet and dark. It seems my heart is beating the loudest during those hours. "I am with You." a still small voice whispers to my longing soul. Today my soul feels like an onion--layer upon layer to unravel and discover. I am thankful that I don't have to go this road alone. I try to--and fight myself to simply surrender to the waves...the rhythm of my life.