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| Oh how baby's grown! January, 2011 6 weeks preggo! |
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| Here he is in June, 2011 at 30 1/2 weeks! |
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Just for today...
The quietness of the apartment soothes my soul. The sounds of my fingers typing, the AC running and fan blowing create a kind of white noise around me. I try to gather my thoughts together to organize what is in my heart to share for today. My heart is still living in yesterday...when I heard about the loss of a client. I cannot go into details because of the confidential nature of the situation, but my heart just breaks. It was such a humbling time processing the loss with my colleagues. I had never seen my boss cry before--at least to that extent--tears of sorrow and pain. Part of me wanted to embrace him in his tears and another part of me wanted to curl up and hide away into the floor. Just raw pain. I don't know what I would do without the Lord Jesus knowing my heart and mind more than I do myself. Having the moment-by-moment ability to call on His name is a privilege I never want to take for granted. I am not alone--He is with me and He is with you.
This past week Thom & I traveled to his hometown of Charleston, SC where we ventured off to Folly Beach for the day. It was a refreshing, relaxing time to get away from the daily grind of work, internet, phone-calls, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. The Lord spoke to me in a very real way that day. We parked the car and headed out to the beach. After unloading all our stuff, beach bags, blankets, lunch, games, and reapplying another layer of sunscreen we hit the water. There is something so sacred about the ocean. Is sacred the right word? Whatever is the right adjective--the ocean has a life, a mind, a being of its own. It is vast, mysterious, exciting, and soothing. I love just floating on the water with my eyes closed or looking up at the blue sky and letting my body rock back 'n forth, back 'n forth. The ocean is loud and I could sense and hear larger waves coming close to me that threatened my relaxed pose...out of fear I'd quickly stand up and jump down into the water not wanting to be taken over by the powerful current. It was such a vivid picture of surrender and trust to me. Allowing myself to rest, to release control, to be in that moment a floater...
As I anticipate motherhood and the many tasks and responsibilities that come with that it is a humbling mental process and yet exciting. All I know of motherhood I have seen through my mom, mothers I have babysat for, and friends that are mothers. I understand a part of what it means to "mother" but not quite yet what it means to be a 'mother.' I image it is something like this week's been for me...to experience pain and unrest (with a crying newborn)...yet to be a floater on the waves of life. 1 Thessalonians 3:2-3 puts it well: "We sent Timothy, who is our brother and God's fellow worker in spreading the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in your faith, so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. You know quite well that we were destined for them." Wow. Do not be unsettled by trials...we were destined for them. Just for today I will live in this reality. I will choose to be a floater with Jesus supporting me.
This past week Thom & I traveled to his hometown of Charleston, SC where we ventured off to Folly Beach for the day. It was a refreshing, relaxing time to get away from the daily grind of work, internet, phone-calls, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. The Lord spoke to me in a very real way that day. We parked the car and headed out to the beach. After unloading all our stuff, beach bags, blankets, lunch, games, and reapplying another layer of sunscreen we hit the water. There is something so sacred about the ocean. Is sacred the right word? Whatever is the right adjective--the ocean has a life, a mind, a being of its own. It is vast, mysterious, exciting, and soothing. I love just floating on the water with my eyes closed or looking up at the blue sky and letting my body rock back 'n forth, back 'n forth. The ocean is loud and I could sense and hear larger waves coming close to me that threatened my relaxed pose...out of fear I'd quickly stand up and jump down into the water not wanting to be taken over by the powerful current. It was such a vivid picture of surrender and trust to me. Allowing myself to rest, to release control, to be in that moment a floater...
As I anticipate motherhood and the many tasks and responsibilities that come with that it is a humbling mental process and yet exciting. All I know of motherhood I have seen through my mom, mothers I have babysat for, and friends that are mothers. I understand a part of what it means to "mother" but not quite yet what it means to be a 'mother.' I image it is something like this week's been for me...to experience pain and unrest (with a crying newborn)...yet to be a floater on the waves of life. 1 Thessalonians 3:2-3 puts it well: "We sent Timothy, who is our brother and God's fellow worker in spreading the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in your faith, so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. You know quite well that we were destined for them." Wow. Do not be unsettled by trials...we were destined for them. Just for today I will live in this reality. I will choose to be a floater with Jesus supporting me.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Today I feel like Peter...
It's been 4 and a half months since last I wrote on this blog. Life has been busy...yet there's always much to write. I don't know who reads this blog and even if just me and the Lord reading this, it's worth the effort.
My soul wrestles with itself today. As life moves forward so do relationships. The very joys in life come out of our relationships and the very pains that kicks us in the gut and break our hearts also stem out of relationship. I remember meeting a man years ago, struggling with depression who said to me "If I didn't have any relationships in my life I would be so much happier." That statement really hit me. It's so empty-sounding--to be all alone in this life with no relationships. But, on the other hand, to feel sorrow, pain, rejection, betrayal, grief...all those "icky" things that come with being "together" as people brings this sense of wanting the lone-ranger life. Honestly, it's not really me that wants to be alone, at times I want to guard myself from pain and be totally alone to just digest "people-time"...it's what I hear and see in other people's lives that pains me. When a relationship I hear about is breaking apart, there's a conflict, or a tension I usually only hear one side of the story and this newly formed "Mama-Bear" in me wants to fight, to defend...kind of like Peter who became so enraged with the people of his day in the Bible and trying to defend Jesus sliced off the ear of a soldier with his sword. What did the Lord do? Did the soldier deserve his ear to be sliced off? By all means...YES! But the Lord, in His grace and love, and using that moment to teach Peter restored the soldier's ear back and reminded Peter "this is not for you to fight." Wow.
As I've reached a milestone in my career as a newly licensed counselor there are times I feel just like Peter. I want to cut off the ear of those that inflict harm and hurt on my clients and even in my personal life, on my family and friends. Sometimes....even me. I am reminded again and again it's not my place to inflict harm with harm but good. Prayer--that reaches the heart of those that are struggling to love and inflict intentional and unintentional pain in the lives of others. As I'm now 7 months pregnant with my first child I anticipate having a son and one day soon looking into his eyes and seeing his face (apart from the blurry ultrasounds at my doctor's office.) I imagine there will be many times he encounters pain and heartache and as a "Mama-Bear", I will not always be able to defend, to protect...but the Lord can. Even in the pain, the Lord can and I have confidence, will use relationships in my baby's life to bring clarity and wisdom. It just sucks during the trials, doesn't it? When I hear of loss, broken marriages, Christians who are struggling through depression, questioning the goodness of God in their life, unfulfilled hopes and dreams--I want to rescue. I want to provide in the way I see fit. (Emphasis on "I") Then I am gently reminded by my God..."this is not yours to fight...but Mine." Like that old 70's praise song..."The battle belongs to the Lord." I do pray for all my friends, my clients, my loved ones this time, this place in life-- in all their heartaches and hurts that the mighty God of the universe would be NEAR and DEAR to them each and remind them that He is their very strong warrior and fighting not only with them but FOR them. Amen.
My soul wrestles with itself today. As life moves forward so do relationships. The very joys in life come out of our relationships and the very pains that kicks us in the gut and break our hearts also stem out of relationship. I remember meeting a man years ago, struggling with depression who said to me "If I didn't have any relationships in my life I would be so much happier." That statement really hit me. It's so empty-sounding--to be all alone in this life with no relationships. But, on the other hand, to feel sorrow, pain, rejection, betrayal, grief...all those "icky" things that come with being "together" as people brings this sense of wanting the lone-ranger life. Honestly, it's not really me that wants to be alone, at times I want to guard myself from pain and be totally alone to just digest "people-time"...it's what I hear and see in other people's lives that pains me. When a relationship I hear about is breaking apart, there's a conflict, or a tension I usually only hear one side of the story and this newly formed "Mama-Bear" in me wants to fight, to defend...kind of like Peter who became so enraged with the people of his day in the Bible and trying to defend Jesus sliced off the ear of a soldier with his sword. What did the Lord do? Did the soldier deserve his ear to be sliced off? By all means...YES! But the Lord, in His grace and love, and using that moment to teach Peter restored the soldier's ear back and reminded Peter "this is not for you to fight." Wow.
As I've reached a milestone in my career as a newly licensed counselor there are times I feel just like Peter. I want to cut off the ear of those that inflict harm and hurt on my clients and even in my personal life, on my family and friends. Sometimes....even me. I am reminded again and again it's not my place to inflict harm with harm but good. Prayer--that reaches the heart of those that are struggling to love and inflict intentional and unintentional pain in the lives of others. As I'm now 7 months pregnant with my first child I anticipate having a son and one day soon looking into his eyes and seeing his face (apart from the blurry ultrasounds at my doctor's office.) I imagine there will be many times he encounters pain and heartache and as a "Mama-Bear", I will not always be able to defend, to protect...but the Lord can. Even in the pain, the Lord can and I have confidence, will use relationships in my baby's life to bring clarity and wisdom. It just sucks during the trials, doesn't it? When I hear of loss, broken marriages, Christians who are struggling through depression, questioning the goodness of God in their life, unfulfilled hopes and dreams--I want to rescue. I want to provide in the way I see fit. (Emphasis on "I") Then I am gently reminded by my God..."this is not yours to fight...but Mine." Like that old 70's praise song..."The battle belongs to the Lord." I do pray for all my friends, my clients, my loved ones this time, this place in life-- in all their heartaches and hurts that the mighty God of the universe would be NEAR and DEAR to them each and remind them that He is their very strong warrior and fighting not only with them but FOR them. Amen.
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