It's been 4 and a half months since last I wrote on this blog. Life has been busy...yet there's always much to write. I don't know who reads this blog and even if just me and the Lord reading this, it's worth the effort.
My soul wrestles with itself today. As life moves forward so do relationships. The very joys in life come out of our relationships and the very pains that kicks us in the gut and break our hearts also stem out of relationship. I remember meeting a man years ago, struggling with depression who said to me "If I didn't have any relationships in my life I would be so much happier." That statement really hit me. It's so empty-sounding--to be all alone in this life with no relationships. But, on the other hand, to feel sorrow, pain, rejection, betrayal, grief...all those "icky" things that come with being "together" as people brings this sense of wanting the lone-ranger life. Honestly, it's not really me that wants to be alone, at times I want to guard myself from pain and be totally alone to just digest "people-time"...it's what I hear and see in other people's lives that pains me. When a relationship I hear about is breaking apart, there's a conflict, or a tension I usually only hear one side of the story and this newly formed "Mama-Bear" in me wants to fight, to defend...kind of like Peter who became so enraged with the people of his day in the Bible and trying to defend Jesus sliced off the ear of a soldier with his sword. What did the Lord do? Did the soldier deserve his ear to be sliced off? By all means...YES! But the Lord, in His grace and love, and using that moment to teach Peter restored the soldier's ear back and reminded Peter "this is not for you to fight." Wow.
As I've reached a milestone in my career as a newly licensed counselor there are times I feel just like Peter. I want to cut off the ear of those that inflict harm and hurt on my clients and even in my personal life, on my family and friends. Sometimes....even me. I am reminded again and again it's not my place to inflict harm with harm but good. Prayer--that reaches the heart of those that are struggling to love and inflict intentional and unintentional pain in the lives of others. As I'm now 7 months pregnant with my first child I anticipate having a son and one day soon looking into his eyes and seeing his face (apart from the blurry ultrasounds at my doctor's office.) I imagine there will be many times he encounters pain and heartache and as a "Mama-Bear", I will not always be able to defend, to protect...but the Lord can. Even in the pain, the Lord can and I have confidence, will use relationships in my baby's life to bring clarity and wisdom. It just sucks during the trials, doesn't it? When I hear of loss, broken marriages, Christians who are struggling through depression, questioning the goodness of God in their life, unfulfilled hopes and dreams--I want to rescue. I want to provide in the way I see fit. (Emphasis on "I") Then I am gently reminded by my God..."this is not yours to fight...but Mine." Like that old 70's praise song..."The battle belongs to the Lord." I do pray for all my friends, my clients, my loved ones this time, this place in life-- in all their heartaches and hurts that the mighty God of the universe would be NEAR and DEAR to them each and remind them that He is their very strong warrior and fighting not only with them but FOR them. Amen.