Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Just for today...

The quietness of the apartment soothes my soul. The sounds of my fingers typing, the AC running and fan blowing create a kind of white noise around me. I try to gather my thoughts together to organize what is in my heart to share for today. My heart is still living in yesterday...when I heard about the loss of a client. I cannot go into details because of the confidential nature of the situation, but my heart just breaks. It was such a humbling time processing the loss with my colleagues. I had never seen my boss cry before--at least to that extent--tears of sorrow and pain. Part of me wanted to embrace him in his tears and another part of me wanted to curl up and hide away into the floor. Just raw pain. I don't know what I would do without the Lord Jesus knowing my heart and mind more than I do myself. Having the moment-by-moment ability to call on His name is a privilege I never want to take for granted. I am not alone--He is with me and He is with you.

This past week Thom & I traveled to his hometown of Charleston, SC where we ventured off to Folly Beach for the day. It was a refreshing, relaxing time to get away from the daily grind of work, internet, phone-calls, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. The Lord spoke to me in a very real way that day. We parked the car and headed out to the beach. After unloading all our stuff, beach bags, blankets, lunch, games, and reapplying another layer of sunscreen we hit the water. There is something so sacred about the ocean. Is sacred the right word? Whatever is the right adjective--the ocean has a life, a mind, a being of its own. It is vast, mysterious, exciting, and soothing. I love just floating on the water with my eyes closed or looking up at the blue sky and letting my body rock back 'n forth, back 'n forth. The ocean is loud and I could sense and hear larger waves coming close to me that threatened my relaxed pose...out of fear I'd quickly stand up and jump down into the water not wanting to be taken over by the powerful current. It was such a vivid picture of surrender and trust to me. Allowing myself to rest, to release control, to be in that moment a floater...

As I anticipate motherhood and the many tasks and responsibilities that come with that it is a humbling mental process and yet exciting. All I know of motherhood I have seen through my mom, mothers I have babysat for, and friends that are mothers. I understand a part of what it means to "mother" but not quite yet what it means to be a 'mother.' I image it is something like this week's been for experience pain and unrest (with a crying newborn)...yet to be a floater on the waves of life. 1 Thessalonians 3:2-3 puts it well: "We sent Timothy, who is our brother and God's fellow worker in spreading the gospel of Christ, to strengthen and encourage you in your faith, so that no one would be unsettled by these trials. You know quite well that we were destined for them." Wow. Do not be unsettled by trials...we were destined for them. Just for today I will live in this reality. I will choose to be a floater with Jesus supporting me.

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